** I wrote this post in November 2019, it was the day I realized that my third and final round of Clomid was not successful. I was very angry and upset, so I typed out my thoughts and feelings. I want to tell my story from the beginning, but I am going to release the couple of drafts that I have already typed up cause those are raw and real since it was how I was feeling in the moment. **
I’m not going to sugar coat this. No, I don’t understand and it is hard for me to comprehend… WHY?! WHY GOD?! Why in the world does a godly Christian girl like me have to beg to have a baby? Especially, when there are crazy bad people on this earth and it seems like they be popping them babies out like bunnies.
This is something that has been very hard for me to understand. I know that God has a plan and there is a reason behind why He has decided not to bless me with a child yet. There are months that are easy to trust in Him and realize that He works all things out for good. On the other hand, there are months that I am frustrated. Is it okay for me to admit that? I don’t like to admit that because I feel like I am not trusting in Him at those times, but we are all human flesh and can’t understand everything.
I feel like I’m a good person. As an Apostolic Pentecostal lady, I have chosen to never smoke, drink alcoholic, or put any chemical danger into my body. Now that doesn’t make me better than anyone who has, but why has He chose me to go through this journey. There HAS to be a reason right?! Is it so that my trust or faith will be stronger in Him? Or that one day I could be a supporting friend for someone else who will go through this? Could this be my testimony which causes an unbeliever to believe in the God that I have put my trust in? A way for me to gain a soul for Him? The one I’ve recently strongly thought about is.. what if God made me to be a mommy to a baby who needs a better life?
I started to tear up as I wrote that last sentence, because the longer I go through this infertility that reason is weighing strong in my mind. While I would love to help a child out, it pains me because I have dreamed of conceiving and carrying my own baby. Just trust in Him is what I tell myself at the beginning of every cycle, because there has to be a reason for why He is letting me go through this pain. He said in His Word that He would never put on us more than we can bear.
So remember… there is a reason that you & I are going through this pain. God’s not putting us through this for just no reason. There is a purpose behind His plan and w e may not understand it at first and have many questions WHY?! But as I am going to keep saying at the very end is..
GOD’S GOT THIS,